Essay on my state of mind

landscape photography of trees on shoreline
Photo by Asad Photo Maldives on

1. Summer greeting

What a scorching hot and humid summer we are in Japan! We cannot survive without air-conditioned room these days, or we may die from severe heat stroke. In this summer, the following passages reminds me of unforgettable chorus by cicadas’;

Our journey from Penang to Singapore began at night. We were carried in darkness through the invisible forest. The noise of the insects among the trees was like an escape of steam. It pierced the roaring of the train as needle might pierce the butter. I had thought man pre-eminent at least in the art of noise-making. But a thousand equatorial cicadas could shout down a steel works; and with reinforcements they would be a match for machine-guns.

Aldous Huxley, Jesting Pilate, 1926



I am sincerely wishing that everyone stays in good shape, and all of us get through this unprecedented disaster of pandemic.

2. Settlement

As I drove across the prefectural border on the highway for some private reasons a few weeks ago, I felt a nauseous sentiment that I had sensed so long time ago, which equivalently annoyed me when I suffered from clinical depression since two years ago. The ache that I felt was just like my heart locked up by unseen power, that is commonly known as psychological stress. The damage I took from familial issues that concerned my marriage with my partner, and my career as a psychiatrist had collapsed due to the major depression that is still hard for me to approve. The place I passed by was the closest highway interchange from where I was born and brought up. I remember the uneasiness bore in my mind every time I saw the traffic sign which indicated that my birthplace was very close. And as I went far from the city, I realised that I felt better, which was an unexpected phenomena.


I wondered, if the psychological stressor can be attributed to my “two years ago” matters, does this mean that my mental problem should not be diagnosed as depression, but an adaptive disorder? According to DSM-V classification, the basis of the diagnosis is the presence of a precipitating stressor and a clinical evaluation of the possibility of symptom resolution on removal of the stressor. Hmm……


Fortunately, now I am rather happy living with my wife, and able to go for work as a “headshrinker”. And I believe that I am good enough to maintain family finances so far. Objectively, I think I behave as a healthy person except for the truth that I am still being prescribed minor tranquilliser. However, I must say that I am not a man that I used to be. I cannot be healthier than anymore, there has been a feeling of disquiet in my mind since I got mentally ill.


Why would I have to be bothered with such a disgusting feeling for a long time? This is quite a troublesome psychological dynamics that I honestly don’t want to admit. But I have to keep soldier on.


As a medical profession, I do not judge by myself, but I think I am getting better than before. In other words, the mental state may be in remission. Chances are that I will plan on having a few more practical licenses for my career, if the condition gets better than before. The other day, my doctor in charge and wife cheered me up with words that “You look better. But don’t be hurry-scurry, take it easy.” Much appreciated.


After all, I think that the rightness whether I have been in adaptive disorder or major depression, is quite a difficult issue to define them. Moreover, It is because so intimate the relation between weakened adaptiveness and mood disorder that the two can scarcely be thought apart. But if we take the DSM-V classification in consideration, the length of being affected by mental disorder, which had led me to severe disfunction of thought and emotion, it is rather better to say that I have been in depression disorder. This may be evident to all readers by browsing my past articles, the flows of my thought seems a bit awkward and illogical. I owe you an apology.


In the end, I am neither angry nor upset myself for what I felt in the motorway, I must tell that I was just keen to describe the fact that occurred to my mind. Yet it was indescribable event for me to note in my native language, foreign language(English) helped me tidy up my thoughts instead. Thanks to this work of writing, probably I may be gradually reaching a settlement with my self-conflict.


Thanks for reading.