Essay on my state of mind

landscape photography of trees on shoreline
Photo by Asad Photo Maldives on Pexels.com

1. Summer greeting

What a scorching hot and humid summer we are in Japan! We cannot survive without air-conditioned room these days, or we may die from severe heat stroke. In this summer, the following passages reminds me of unforgettable chorus by cicadas’;

Our journey from Penang to Singapore began at night. We were carried in darkness through the invisible forest. The noise of the insects among the trees was like an escape of steam. It pierced the roaring of the train as needle might pierce the butter. I had thought man pre-eminent at least in the art of noise-making. But a thousand equatorial cicadas could shout down a steel works; and with reinforcements they would be a match for machine-guns.

Aldous Huxley, Jesting Pilate, 1926

 ペナンからシンガポールへの僕らの旅は夜に始まった.僕らは暗闇の中、姿の見えない森を抜けて運ばれたのだ.木々の間の虫の喧騒はまるで蒸気の発散のようだった.汽車の咆哮がいともたやすくバターを突き刺すように僕らの耳をつんざいた.人類は少なくとも騒がしくすることに於いてずば抜けていると僕は思っていた.しかし、幾千もの赤道セミは鋼鉄の音をかき消したのだった.機関銃をもって等しいくらいに.

オルダス・ハクスリー、ピラトはふざけて、1926年

I am sincerely wishing that everyone stays in good shape, and all of us get through this unprecedented disaster of pandemic.

2. Settlement

As I drove across the prefectural border on the highway for some private reasons a few weeks ago, I felt a nauseous sentiment that I had sensed so long time ago, which equivalently annoyed me when I suffered from clinical depression since two years ago. The ache that I felt was just like my heart locked up by unseen power, that is commonly known as psychological stress. The damage I took from familial issues that concerned my marriage with my partner, and my career as a psychiatrist had collapsed due to the major depression that is still hard for me to approve. The place I passed by was the closest highway interchange from where I was born and brought up. I remember the uneasiness bore in my mind every time I saw the traffic sign which indicated that my birthplace was very close. And as I went far from the city, I realised that I felt better, which was an unexpected phenomena.

 先日、私的な理由で高速道路の県境を走っていると、かつて私が抱いていた悪心のようなものを感じたのでした.それは私が二年前にかかったうつ病の時と同じような不快感でした.心理的ストレスとして知られる、恰も見えない力によって、心に鍵がかかったような苦痛が私に生じたのです.私が受けた配偶者に関する家族的な諸問題からの傷や、うつ病のために精神科医としてのキャリアが閉ざされたことは未だに受け入れがたいことです.私が通り過ぎたところというのは、私が生育した場所に最も近い高速のICでして、私は標識がその場所を指し示すたびに不愉快な気持ちが芽生えたことを覚えています.そして街を通り過ぎると気持ちが楽になったことに気づいたのですが、これは予想外の現象でした.

I wondered, if the psychological stressor can be attributed to my “two years ago” matters, does this mean that my mental problem should not be diagnosed as depression, but an adaptive disorder? According to DSM-V classification, the basis of the diagnosis is the presence of a precipitating stressor and a clinical evaluation of the possibility of symptom resolution on removal of the stressor. Hmm……

 もし、心理学的なストレス因子が私の「二年前」のことに起因するのであれば、これは私の心理的問題がうつ病ではなくて、適応障碍なのではないかとふと思ったのです.DSM-Vの分類によれば、診断の基本は、気分を害するストレス因子が存在し、ストレス因子が除かれることによって症状の解消がみられる可能性の臨床的評価をすることとあります.ふむふむ.

Fortunately, now I am rather happy living with my wife, and able to go for work as a “headshrinker”. And I believe that I am good enough to maintain family finances so far. Objectively, I think I behave as a healthy person except for the truth that I am still being prescribed minor tranquilliser. However, I must say that I am not a man that I used to be. I cannot be healthier than anymore, there has been a feeling of disquiet in my mind since I got mentally ill.

 幸いにも今、私は割と幸せに妻と生活できていて、さらに精神科医として勤務できています.私は今のところ、家計を回すこともできている方だと思っています.傍から見れば、未だに抗うつ薬を処方されている事実を除いて私は元気に見えるでしょう.しかしながら私はかつての私とはやはり違うのです.これ以上元気になることもないでしょうし、私が病気になってからはずっと不穏な空気が心の中に留まっているのです.

Why would I have to be bothered with such a disgusting feeling for a long time? This is quite a troublesome psychological dynamics that I honestly don’t want to admit. But I have to keep soldier on.

 どうして私はこんなに長く忌々しい感情に悩まされなければならないのでしょうか.こいつは大変厄介な心理学的力動というもので、正直言って認めたくないものです.しかし前に進まなければならないのですね.

As a medical profession, I do not judge by myself, but I think I am getting better than before. In other words, the mental state may be in remission. Chances are that I will plan on having a few more practical licenses for my career, if the condition gets better than before. The other day, my doctor in charge and wife cheered me up with words that “You look better. But don’t be hurry-scurry, take it easy.” Much appreciated.

 医師として私は自分を診断するということはしませんが、おそらく私の体調は以前よりも良くなっているようです.換言すればこれは寛解なのかもしれません.一応機会があればキャリアに向けてより実用的な資格を取ることも検討しています.もしこのまま調子が良ければの話ですが.そういえば先日、主治医や妻が「いい感じじゃないですか、でも焦らず、気楽に」と言ってくれたのです.感謝ですね.

After all, I think that the rightness whether I have been in adaptive disorder or major depression, is quite a difficult issue to define them. Moreover, It is because so intimate the relation between weakened adaptiveness and mood disorder that the two can scarcely be thought apart. But if we take the DSM-V classification in consideration, the length of being affected by mental disorder, which had led me to severe disfunction of thought and emotion, it is rather better to say that I have been in depression disorder. This may be evident to all readers by browsing my past articles, the flows of my thought seems a bit awkward and illogical. I owe you an apology.

 結局、私が適応障碍なのかうつ病なのか、どちらが正しいのかという疑問は実に定義し難い難しい問題なのでしょう.さらに言うと、両者の関係はあまりにも密接であるからして、脆弱化した適応性と気分障碍の間は切り離して考えることが殆どできないのです.しかしながら、もしDSM-Vの分類を斟酌すれば、つまり精神障碍の罹病期間が私に与えた深刻な思考と感情の機能不全によって、むしろ私はうつ病にあると言えそうです.これは読者の皆さんにとっては過去の記事を見直すと明確かもしれません.思路がややぎこちなくて論理性を欠いているようでして.申し訳ないと思います.

In the end, I am neither angry nor upset myself for what I felt in the motorway, I must tell that I was just keen to describe the fact that occurred to my mind. Yet it was indescribable event for me to note in my native language, foreign language(English) helped me tidy up my thoughts instead. Thanks to this work of writing, probably I may be gradually reaching a settlement with my self-conflict.

 終いに、私は高速道路での体験について怒りや苛立ちを表明しているわけではなく、私は単に自分の中に生じた事象を描写したいという一心だったのです.しかし日本語では名状しがたい出来事には違いなく、その代わりに外国語が私の思考を整理する助けになりました.書くという作業のおかげでおそらくは私は次第に自分の心と折り合いを付けつつあるのかもしれません.

Thanks for reading.

ありがとうございました.